Imposter syndrome – Priscilla Hernandez

I am enough.

During my first semester in college, fall 2021, I took a history course called “Enlightenment Concept of Self” which to me was more philosophical than historical. I remember feeling very awkward in the class because the reading material was so dense. For my first major assignment, I had to write a paper on French philosopher Denis Diderot’s “concept of self”. If I am being honest, I don’t remember what I even wrote in that paper.

I do remember, however, the meeting I had with the professor for the course, Professor Holmes, discussing that first paper in which I expressed to the professor that I had no prior experience with the level of texts or writing expectations for the course. His response was a question asking where I was from and whether or not I took a writing course in high school. After I had answered those questions, he responded with, “that makes sense”. I do not know whether he understood the implications of those words for a first-generation low income (FGLI) student in an institution like Wesleyan.

I was very off-put by this statement and thought about it more often than I should have. However, after talking about how I felt I realized that it wasn’t my problem. I worked my behind off in a low-income inner city school to get the grades necessary to be able to get into Wesleyan. Professor Holmes’ words taught me to be kinder and more patient with myself while at Wesleyan because I am a part of the minority who are not wealthy and had no extra help before college. I learned that as long as I try my best, that is enough for Wesleyan and enough for me.

Priscilla vs. Procrastination: Who will win?

Procrastination is an enemy to many. Unfortunately, I am one of the “many” that could not escape it. No matter how much time I have, I always wait until the last minute to start working on assignments. When there are no impending deadlines, I tell myself that I deserve a break which ends in assignments not getting done. The reason why I struggle with procrastination is because I let deadlines stress me out to the point where I get overwhelmed. This struggle appears in academic and personal aspects of my life.

With academics, when I am assigned something that isn’t due in the coming week, I tend to forget about it until I either remember or am reminded. In my fall 2023 semester, I am taking an Astronomy course in which we have problem sets due every Friday at 5 pm. Even though it’s stated on the syllabus, and we are reminded, I have an issue with not starting the assignment more than 24 hours before it’s due. I look at the problem set questions ahead of time and create the document to put all the questions in, yet I can’t find a way to start. My procrastination is also fueled by my perfectionist mindset in that I cannot move onto another assignment until I am satisfied with the first one.

In my personal life, procrastination is present mostly in my journey of healing. My healing process involves having important conversations with people who have contributed to my trauma. Instead of having these conversations, I put them off and let myself dwell on my trauma . At first, this occurred with family members, but it now affects how I interact with my closest friends. If I can’t find the courage to talk to those I consider to be my safety net, then how am I going to find the courage to talk to anyone else? Procrastination has forced me to neglect important academic and internal tasks that I need to complete.

My Apartment: Exciting to Frightening

I hope you enjoyed the dramatic introduction to my first reflection. It shows the English major in me. If you couldn’t tell by the title and my poetic blurb, I am going to tell you about my relationship with my room. At first, I was excited to be in that room. My room had the space and privacy I craved. But when classes started, the punches started coming and I was not rolling with them. After the first week of classes, coming home to a personal kitchen and bathroom was lovely.

As the weeks went by and the homework increased, my room wasn’t the place I thought it was. I would sit and rot in my room instead of going outside to do any random thing that would help get me out of the funk. I kept telling myself that I would get out of bed or off my phone and start my homework. I didn’t. I slept late and procrastinated. Your room is supposed to be the place where you get to and know you can be yourself. While this is true, being in my room all the time caused me to feel stuck and unmotivated. I know I need to get out, but I don’t know how to do that. How am I supposed to find motivation when there are no incentives?

Sure, getting my homework done earlier sounds nice, but it’s still homework. Wow. That last sentence really shows how much my brain hates me. It doesn’t even want to help the rest of me. I have realized that I just need to get out. It doesn’t matter where, it doesn’t matter how, it doesn’t matter the reason, I just need to get up and go. For the sake of my sanity and all my homework and deadlines I need to get out of this room and go just do.